


I Don't Know What To Be Without You Around

by double_ot



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bennie and the Jets, Comforting Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, karaoke night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:49:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29912355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/double_ot/pseuds/double_ot
Summary: "Eddie could feel the liquor in his bloodstream start to chip away at his inhibitions. He knew what he was about to say could potentially ruin his friendship with Buck, but he didn’t care. "or drunken love confession after karaoke night.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	I Don't Know What To Be Without You Around

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by something @mxrkies said on Twitter, and the songs Breathe by Taylor Swift, Crush by David Archuleta, and Liability by Lorde.

* * *

It’s not every day that the entirety of the 118 family gets to hang out. It was the middle of summer after a long shift. All the children of the 118 were taken care of; Christopher was off at summer camp, Harry was at Michael’s, and Denny was at a sleepover. The entirety of the group met up at one of their favorite karaoke bars. Everyone’s drinking, laughing and having a good time. Maddie and Buck perform their go-to sibling duet, and the crowd goes wild. 

Bobby and Athena are the first people to leave. They say goodnight around 11. Hen and Karen follow not long after around 11:30. Maddie and Chimney love a good karaoke night, so they stay until 1 am.

It’s 1:30 am, and the bartender has just signaled for the last call. Buck and Eddie look at each other. 

“One more?” Buck asks.

“Uh, sure, why not. We don’t get to do this very often anymore.” Eddie responds.

Buck gets up to walk towards the bar.

“You’re buying, though.” Eddie teases him.

“Well then, I get to choose what we get.” Buck teases back.

When they reach the bar, Buck looks over at Eddie with a mischievous grin.

“You better not..” Eddie pleads.

Buck just smirks back.

The bartender finally reaches Buck.

“Ya, can I get 4 tequila shots, please?”

Eddie groans and rolls his eyes.

“Like you said! We don’t get to do this very often, might as well go all out.”

The bartender places four glasses in front of them. Buck hands him cash, picks up a glass, and motions to Eddie to do the same.

“I should’ve never told you that I hate tequila.”

“That you should’nt’ve.” 

Buck raises his glass and toasts with Eddie. As they down the first shot, Eddie can’t hide the misery on his face. 

“Nah, man, I’m not taking another one.”

“Aw, c’mon Texas..”

“I’m serious, Buck.”

Buck laughs and picks up the remaining two shots, and downs them like water.

“God, you’re insane.”

“Ya.. but you love it.”

Eddie snickers and walks back towards the table. Buck follows him shortly after.

They spend the next half hour cheering on the last few performers and letting the liquor of the night settle in.

“You sure you don’t want to duet with me?” Buck asks Eddie.

Eddie laughs and shakes his head, “What song are we singing?”

Buck is overjoyed. Eddie typically hates karaoke. Buck grabs Eddie’s hand and drags him up towards the stage. Buck walks over to the MC booth and queues up their song. 

“What song is it..? Should I be worried?” 

Buck just laughs.

The first two piano notes hit, and Eddie bursts into laughter. 

“Benny and the Jets? Really?”

“Of course,” Buck says with a smirk.

The two of them sing their hearts out to the Elton John tune and receive a standing ovation from the crowd. They both laugh all the way back to their table.

“So, are you going home, or do you want to come over?” Eddie asks Buck as he pulls out his phone to get an uber.

“I’m coming over for sure. The bar may be closed, but that doesn’t mean I’m done PARTYING!” Buck says as he raises his hand for a high five.

Eddie laughs and half-heartedly gives him a high five back as he books the ride home for the two of them.

Eddie is tired, exhausted even; their last shift was draining, physically and emotionally. As much as Eddie wanted to go home and sleep for 14 hours, he knew that spending time with Buck was more important to him. He barely gets to have 1 on 1 time with his best friend anymore. With Christopher being at camp, this was a perfect time just to have a guys’ night. 

Eddie's phone lights up with the uber notification. He looks over at Buck and is about to nudge him to leave, but he notices that Buck’s eyes are wandering around the room. He wonders what he’s thinking about.

Buck is lonely. He spent the entire night hanging out with his friends who are all married or have kids. Buck is 30 years old. He feels left behind by life. When is it his turn to have a happy ending? All of his ex-girlfriends had left him. He can’t remember the last time he was the one ending the relationship. He always felt like he was too much for other people. All he wanted was one person to love him unconditionally. He knows he has Eddie, his best friend in the whole wide world. He knew Eddie loved him in a fraternal fashion. He also knew that Chimney, Bobby, Hen, and the rest of the 118 all had his back and loved him unconditionally. The bonds of the firefighter family But, he went home to an empty house at the end of the day. He looks around the bar in a last-ditch effort to see if anyone is as single and lonely as he is and would go home with him when his thoughts are interrupted by an elbow to the ribs.

“Uber’s here. You good?”

Buck pushes back his sadness to the back of his brain. “Uh ya, I’m good.” he sheepishly smiles back at Eddie.

The two of them leave the bar and walk towards the silver Honda Civic waiting for them in the parking lot. Eddie opens the door and climbs into the backseat behind the driver. Buck follows, sitting behind the passenger seat. The entire ride home is silent, which is unusual. Buck knows the uber etiquette of “sit in the backseat and don’t speak the whole ride,” but he never follows it. He loves hearing people’s stories. He often asks his drivers for stories from their lives. 

Tonight was different. Eddie couldn’t put a finger on the way that Buck was acting. All that he knew is that from the time that he booked the uber to the time they got in the car, something happened that put Buck in a mood.

The car pulled up in front of the Diaz household. Eddie and Buck thanked the driver and climbed out. Buck falls back and lets Eddie walk in front and unlock the door.

“You know, you have a key; you could’ve unlocked it too.”

Buck lets out a half-hearted laugh and follows Eddie inside. Eddie makes a beeline for the kitchen and grabs two beers out of the fridge. Buck follows and grabs the bottle of the counter, twists off the cap, and chugs the whole thing.

“Wow, okay, I was going to suggest we play caps or something but go off.”

“Well, good thing, you have more beer in the fridge,” Buck chuckles.

The two of them set the game up and play for about twenty minutes before Buck claims victory. 

“I don’t know how you are so good at this man.”

“Years of practice,” Buck gloats.

“Ya, ya, you were a big shot in college, we know. How about a rematch, this time with speed?” Eddie says as he walks towards the cabinet where the cards are.

“Uh, ya sure. Let me use the bathroom first.” Buck says as he rises from his chair.

The alcohol from the night hits him as he stands up. He stumbles a bit, pushing his chair back. Eddie gives him a concerning look in which he brushes off. He can barely walk straight. Buck didn’t realize how much he had had to drink until he had stood up. He finds his way to the bathroom and opens the door. Before using the bathroom, he stops at the sink. He grips the sides of the white and black tile and hangs his head low. Not only was the liquor making him feel bad physically, but it’s also taking a toll on him emotionally. He looks up and meets his eyes in the mirror. His normally bright blue irises seemed darker. He looks at his reflection in the mirror, trying to get a grip on all the emotions that are running through his brain.

He’s frustrated at his exes, at himself, and at Eddie. He’s mad at his own behavior. Why couldn’t he keep a stable relationship? He knows that Abby leaving was no fault of his own. But Abby not coming home? That was all him. He has replayed every moment in their relationship multiple times to figure out where it all went wrong, but he never can find it. Ali, on the other hand, left because she was afraid. It’s not like he would quit his job because his girlfriend of less than a year didn’t like his line of work. But after Ali, no one seemed to stick around. He had a few dates here and a few flings there, but nobody stayed. All Buck wanted was for one person to stay. 

He’s been working on himself in therapy. Understanding that it’s okay to have a big personality. He hears the words coming out of his therapist’s mouth, and he believes them in the moment. The second he leaves the appointment, the fears of being perceived as “too much” or as a “liability” come rushing back. The one person who never sees him as too much is Eddie. Boy, what a can of worms that relationship is. 

Buck’s always known deep down that he’s liked, men. He just never found it that relevant since he’s been at the 118. His last fling with a guy was back when he was a bartender in Peru. Now granted, he did end up moving to LA with the guy, but they were always on again, off again, open-relationship type of deal. A very casual relationship. After that ended, he became a hotshot LAFD member. Women loved a man in uniform, so he rode that train and never looked back. 

Eddie is by far the most serious “relationship that’s not a relationship” that Buck has ever had. It honestly teeters on the line of codependency. He’s fully aware of this, yet he doesn’t want to stop or dial back their relationship. Eddie makes him feel loved and wanted, even if it’s just in a platonic way. But god, how badly Buck wanted it to be more. 

He knew it would never happen. He was convinced that Eddie was straight. There was no way that a big, tough, macho military man like Edmundo Diaz could like men. He was married to his wife for nine years, and the only reason that that ended was that the poor woman got hit by a car and died. Since her death, Eddie’s been grieving, but he knows that it’s just a matter of time before Eddie gets back out there and falls in love again. He knows that his existence in the Diaz household will slowly start to be phased out when that happens.

Buck is so hung up on the fact that he let himself create this idealized mental world where he and Eddie end up together when he knows that they won’t. He grips the counter a little tighter, thinking about the realistic future in which they both end up with someone else, move on and become strangers with history in the grocery store.

He remembers what he was here to do and uses the bathroom. As he washes his hands, he lets the water get a little too warm and shudders at the pain. But hey, at least he’s alive?

Buck walks out of the bathroom with a defeatist look on his face. Eddie picks up on the energy shift. 

“Hey, what’s your problem, man? What happened to “I just want to party” Buck?”

“I’m just not feeling it anymore. I think I’m just going to walk home.”

“What?! Buck, you live 6 miles from here. That’s at least a 2-hour walk. You don’t have to leave. We can just watch a movie or something?”

“No, really, it’s okay. I don’t want to be a burden on your night.”

“You’re not being a burden..? I invited you over..? Let’s just sit on the couch and put on a movie.” 

“No. Really, it’s okay. I’m not in a good mood anyway. I don’t want to bring you down with me. I’ll just go.” Buck says as he looks around the room for his keys.

“Buck, you’re not going to bring me down. What’s gotten into you? You were fine until right after Benny and the Jets. What happened? Talk to me.”

Buck shrugs him off as he spots his keys on the kitchen counter and walks towards them. “It’s fine, Eddie. I’ll talk to you later, okay.” Buck says as he heads for the door.

“First of all..” Eddie says as he follows Buck to the door. “It’s not fine. I don’t like seeing you this upset. And second of all..” he says as he rips the keys out of Buck’s hand. “You’re not walking home?? You can sleep here, or I can get you an uber or call Maddie to get you. But you’re not walking home.”

It’s evident from the look on his face that Buck is upset with Eddie. “Give me my keys back. I’m walking.”

“No? You’re not. Jesus man, I just want you to talk to me. Wanting to walk home six miles, at 2:30 in the morning, drunk, is not normal.”

“Yeah, well, you know what else is not normal? Being bitterly single and alone at 30. _Every single person_ in my life has a partner or has kids, and what do I have, huh? Nothing! I don’t even have a dog! Even if I had a dog, the dog probably wouldn’t like me. Or! The dog would run away! Just like all my exes have! I’m so fed up with this life, dude. When is it my turn to be happy, huh?” Buck’s voice cracks, and he lets out a few sobs. 

Eddie stays silent, his eyes fixed on Buck, unsure whether to move into a hug. He stays put so as to not startle him.

“When is it my turn to win? There’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Nobody wants to be around me. I’m a burden to literally everyone. The only reason I’m a stupid firefighter is that I actually feel needed by someone when I’m at work. That’s why I do so much overtime. I hate going home to an empty house. It’s exhausting and depressing. God, I hate being broken.” Buck continues to sob.

Eddie’s heart is breaking. He can't stand knowing that Buck thinks about himself this way. “Buck, you’re not broken.”

“Yes, I am!”

“No, you’re not. You’re literally one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, okay?” Eddie reaches up with his right hand and places it on Buck’s shoulder. “You are such a magnificent person. You give your all to everyone you meet. All of your friends and family members speak so highly of you. I see bits and pieces of you in everyone in your life; hell, I even see you in Christopher. You’re not broken.”

Buck turns his head to avoid Eddie’s gaze. Eddie moves his hand up to Buck’s face and thumbs away the tears that just keep falling. 

“Hey, Buck, look at me,” Eddie whispers quietly. He moves his hand under Buck’s chin and guides his eyes into his own. 

“Listen, I can’t tell you why you are feeling that way. I really can’t. Maybe it’s the tequila or the lack of sleep. All I know is that there is so much love around you. You radiate light and love. I feel so loved when I’m with you. The things you do for me? And for Christopher? I couldn’t ask for more. I am so sorry that you don’t feel that same love reciprocated. At the end of the day, I am so thankful that I have you in my life. You’re the light that makes my darkest days bearable. You add so much joy to our lives. You’re not unlovable. You’re not a burden.”

Eddie could feel the liquor in his bloodstream start to chip away at his inhibitions. He knew what he was about to say could potentially ruin his friendship with Buck, but he didn’t care. 

“Evan Buckley, I am so in love with you. Seeing you so upset at yourself and your life hurts me. I love having you in my life and in Christopher’s life. We need you, Buck. I know you probably don’t feel the same, but I just had to let you know before you spiraled more.”

Buck reaches up to the side of his face where Eddie’s hand is resting and grabs it. He runs his thumb over the back 0f Eddie’s palm before dropping his hand. The two of them stand in silence for a few minutes. Their eyes focused on one another in the dim kitchen light. Buck finally breaks the silence. 

“Is it still okay if I crash on the couch tonight?”


End file.
